Reaching into My Soul

I'm starting to wish that my love for writing and expressing myself in words would comeback. I could swear that I used to be pretty decent, and to some, I was even considered good at this. Oh no... writer's block? Whatever it is, I wish it would end and allow my feelings and ideas to simply flow to the extent of my own liking.

Enough of that.

Ok, so here's the thought I really wanted to entertain in tonight's post: Music.

Yes, music. I've been playing music, or what I know of it for the last four years or so; maybe longer, maybe not. But I seem to be stuck in the same place with my music as I am in my writing and this ought not to be, especially because they're both practices of delight for me and I absolutely feel drawn to them in the sense of a self calling. Do I think God, this Earth, and the people around me really care if I play or write? Perhaps not. But this is the beauty in it all because regardless of what everyone else wants or cares about, it's you that has to hunger for this growth and when it comes to self improvement it's going to be you that decides whether you want it or not.

I ran some errands today and as I was at a red light in front of a small café, I watched from the car and tried my best to block everything out so I could hear this musician who was playing alone on the small stage with a rather small audience of listeners and the feeling I got was a sense of urgency to learn more, do more, and play more. I couldn't hear what he was playing but it didn't matter because he had the confidence in himself to do it regardless.

I've taken my guitar outdoors a few times and played on Alondra Blvd. in front of the church I attend and

the feedback you get from people driving by is pretty amazing, and exciting. I've even wandered across the idea with some of my church peeps on learning a good group of songs, picking up a small team of singers, with some kind of percussion, like some bongos and heading to Starbucks and just having a good jam session outside. No money required, no sought after fame, no huge crowd following, but just a small group of people who care to listen to some soul-filled music and appreciate it.

In time maybe I'll find my own small stage, with a stool and a small spot light to break the nervousness of just playing. The end.

Blogger!

I'm feeling a bit hesitant as to how I want to start this blog. I'm not sure if it's because I've been away from my writing/blogging for a while or because of the fact that I maybe have been searching for a new blogging platform (which by the way would be my second platform and third blog address, yikes).
Anyways, so I've been away for about 5 months now, and in my time that seems to be forever without writing or translating my thoughts for the little group of readers I get here and there. Believe me, it wasn't in my plans to be on halt for this long; I guess I was in such a state of limbo that I was constantly experiencing feelings and emotions that I thought were gone for good, but obviously most folks know how that goes. There is nothing but frustration when you're trying to bleed something out of your system that's become part of you in a sense, and it isn't easy because it feels like you're denying yourself and I'm sure no one enjoys that process. Right?

I'll reserve more of this for a later blog. Let's move on.

I'm currently participating in a time of examination with the church I attend, and although it's unnamed I'm simply calling it "Renewal 40". It's forty days of examination in ones personal space, life, home, family, job, and anything else you can throw in there. I know in my personal life I need all the examination I can get, and that doesn't come at all easy to admit but I know for a fact you don't get any ingestion problems when swallowing your pride.

As much as I'd like to go on I think Three a.m. is way past my bed time. I'll drop in for another post when the Sun's up and about.

p.s. In no way is this examination period tied in with ramadan. Okay bye.

All is fair.

Ok, I'm back from my absence of mind and thought... wait, scratch that. The truth is that I've been doing so much thinking that I wouldn't even know where to begin with it, or if I should even call it "thinking". It feels much more than the natural, ha, I know right; it sounds super crazy, if that. But with all this mind time, I found a single spot to fully concentrate on, pick at, and even try my best to depict exactly what it is, in a nutshell. Kinda like finding a single imprint in a DNA strip. Which is not as simple as it seems - If it even does sound simple, or possible.

I’ve done my fair share of being quite the optimist I believe I’m supposed to be. However, optimism isn’t without its challenge of honesty, which is often the part that stops people from being a positive and optimistic being to begin with. So I’ve found sense in discovering myself before stepping into the shoes of others, and it makes perfect sense according to chinese proverbs, philosophy on life, and fortune cookies for all I know. I’m quickly finding that laughter can be healthy even if and when I’m expressing my feelings for you avid readers.

A saying that I’ve become quite attached to is “God is Love” and I know from the bottom of my heart that it’s real, because God is real, but I must also come to a real conclusion and know for a fact that I stand for that, and that I must live it.

Do I truly believe it though? My answer would be yes, Absolutely! Where I’m finding the problem with this is that in order for it to become more than just a ritualistic thought, I must be impulsive about it, spontaneous with this message of Love. I’ve fallen completely in love with this idea, but I admit that I haven’t fully personalized it yet; what’s the idea of Love without

a personal touch?

I know now that even after all these years that I’ve proclaimed the messages of the Christ in my life, they were merely uttered words with no depth, fraud words and shallow actions. I felt so disgusted at my failed attempts, I felt a deep deep surge of conviction on my behalf. It let me know that I needed to seek Love at its most beautiful meaning, and that is God.

I know that in order to claim anything, you have to have relationship. You see, before God could deem man as “complete”, he had to give the man a Relationship on more than just one dimension. God claimed seven times in his creation that “it was good” before he finally said “it is not good” and he continued to form a help for Adam and with that, Man became complete.

I don’t feel broken, but for some strange reason I still feel that I do need some fixing. I guess some would say that that’s just me being optimistic, after all, that is what I’m aiming for. And that’s that. I'm wondering how I'm going to find the right words for times like this when I stumble across such a simple principle with so much light. I’ll let you know when I scrap the rest of this thought together. It can happen, right?

The Mind Forgetting From The Mind Forgot

"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose"

~From the television show The Wonder Years

The quote given is quite a nice way to state what Memory is, or can be. We all know that memory is simply relevant to our life structure, it helps us keep those things which are necessary; things such as knowledge, experience, logic and a number of other substantial necessities. It's unfortunate for some who do not have this free gift of memory within them. This gift allows us to store our personal life's greatest treasures, from feelings, to moments in time we wish could simply have stayed with us a bit longer, and for the imaginative, forever.

Memory has a very dedicated loyalty, and for this I must speak my mind. It's not a cure for problems, nor a solution for pain or heartache. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind was great in its deliverance, but even better in its uproar of questions concerning memory.

Would it ever be possible to pick the memories of certain events, mishaps, and pain caused by the repercussions of decisions and choices we've made to simply be erased? It would be great if we just had a button of some sort, maybe like a big red button that you can push and in some crazy paradox of time, rid yourself of certain memories. Like a personal Memory Loss.

"I have no regrets in my life. I think that everything happens to you for a reason. The hard times that you go through build character, making a much stronger person" -Author Unknown

I must say, not that I strongly disagree with this quote, but I do to some extent. Why? Because one person's philosophy isn't always another's gospel of choice. I can agree that 85% of life's teachings come from mistakes,

I really do. But I know that without a shadow of a doubt there are just things I wish I was able to rid myself of. Things that somewhat haunt, and come back from time-to-time. For this, I feel reserved, as do many. I enjoy life, I live at my fullest. One thing I do understand is that without these followings and episodes in our lives that don't always bring pleasure, and security to one's heart and mind is just a slight problem to keep our mind fixed for the greater things ahead. I guess everything does work in some fashion for a reason, but still...

...Where's the red button?

Thank You.